Written by: Ijeoma Chinonyerem
“I recently heard about Aziz Ansari being involved in a sex scandal. The outrage is alarming. I read about the so-called “sexual harassment”.
I fear at the rate we are going, we are watering down sexual harassment to mean “he did not pull down my panties gently”.
We lump ambivalence, guilt, regret, disappointment into the umbrella of sexual assault or rape.
In Aziz’s case, he met a lady at the Golden Globes afterparty, was reticent and wouldn’t converse till Miss Chatterbox drew him out of his shell.
He took her number, they planned on a date. They had the date, had a wonderful time then voluntarily went back to Aziz’s.
After a date and you don’t want to go further, go home. Do not follow the man back home.
Man: Hey, you wanna come home to see my Bradley Cooper collection?
You: No. Probably next time. It’s 10 pm and my Ryan Gosling wallpaper has to be oiled.
At the house, Aziz poured her wine and she voluntarily drank.
If you somehow find yourself at a man’s house and you have no plans to go further, you shouldn’t be having alcohol.
Man: Here’s some cool 1873 Cavabien French wine.
You: No thank you. I’m doing a 7 day detox challenge where I only drink water.
Aziz kissed her, she kissed back. Aziz performed orals, she received without protests. She also reciprocated. He talked dirty, she stayed. At no time did she vocally establish her unease. At no time did she try to leave and was stopped.
When she finally registered her unease he stopped. There was no penetration whatsoever. He called her a cab and she left.
Yet the lady went to the press to malign the man.
Imagine me bringing a guy home after a marvelous first date and doing exactly what Aziz did.
I offer him wine, fellate him, allow him reciprocate, lead him into my room and look at the mirror, pour him more wine, and when he feels antsy I call him a cab without even actually having sex or forcing him to. How is that sexual harassment?
Especially as the guy NEVER asked me to stop and I never prevented him from leaving either.
Guilt after sex is not sexual harassment.
Disappointment after sex is not sexual harassment.
Regret after sex is not sexual harassment.
No is no. But you have to say no first! No one is a mindreader. Nobody is going to say the No for you! Do not go with the motions, fellate, receive cunnilingus and come out to scream rape or assault when you never said no!
If you’re uncomfortable with one night stands, say so. Do not go through with it even though you’re uncomfortable, then scream assault later.
It is a slap on the face of real rape and assault victims. If we keep on with this, no one would take them seriously.
Do not be the boy (or in this case, the lady) who cries wolf! When a wolf actually attacks, no one would come a-running.
Aziz did absolutely nothing wrong. If he were a woman, he would be celebrated as a woman who knows what she wants. If he were a common man and not a celebrity, he would not be getting so much flak.